The Masking of True Love within Factors, Bonds, and Types!

Before western civilization took hold, love in its very essence spoke of something that is missing from the different categories, love was and is spirituality it is the self-esteem, the knowing of self. Enjoy This weeks blog and feel free to leave a comment, its a great way to start a positive dialogue.

The Masking of True Love within Factors, Bonds, and Types

When did the very meaning, core, of love become complicated, made into a maze of separated compartments attempting to show why are why not one would or would not love another based on what they had to offer in return for love? When western civilization took over and made love more about sex and property, along with said civilization glossing over it with romanticism within the English literature. In having an in depth understanding of the different factors that are attributed to attraction or knowing why there is a need and desire for humans to want relationships and build bonds with each other are great and important aspects of life to know, not taking away from that. But, they are that in their wording and definition, their individualism, they are not love. Before western civilization took hold, love in its very essence spoke of something that is missing from the different categories, love was and is spirituality it is the self-esteem, the knowing of self.

Love, its very essence is an expression of selfless behavior towards another, to give not wanting anything in return because the joy in of itself is the return, the reciprocity (Amen, pg. 28. 1992). Another distortion of love came in the form of English romance novels that instead of staying a lighthearted seduction, they became western cultures diagram for love (Real, pg. 156. 2002). Although there has been great effort to explain and give reason to the many different components of the terminology of love, I will show how the opposite has taken place, with the factors of attraction, human need for bonds, and the three types of love, in attempting to give definition to love, has hidden and distorted the very meaning of what love truly is supposed to be in its simplest form, that of selflessness, asking for nothing in return.

Factors of Attraction

While it has been taught that love can have several different meanings, it is the complexity of people that really are the ones who can project different meanings starting with how one may deem another to be attractive or not. There are six factors to attraction, beginning with liking those who are close to us, as in proximity, shortest distance between two people. Another way of beginning to like someone close to us is through the mere-exposure effect, continually seeing that person often. A reason for this is that by seeing that person often they become a mirror image of our selves. And people tend to see and like their mirror image more than their true image (Feenstra, 2011). A second phase in attraction is that we like those who are attractive.

With, regard to starting a relationship being attractive is said to be the most important aspect in the short term. But physical attractiveness is not that important in lasting friendships. Third on the list is liking those who match us, the matching hypothesis is when we end up with someone who is equal to us in physical attractiveness. The fourth step in factors to attraction would be, liking those who are similar in values and interest. This can intensify a relationship and has a greater chance of becoming more long term than short term. There are times though when not matching in similarities people can still get together. This would occur in cultures when limitations to meet different people would not be easily available, so they stick with geographic closeness (Feenstra, 2011).

Next, it would be those that we have equitability with that we like. With this attraction it is feeling as though you are getting equal in some way to what you are giving in the relationship. If the person felt there was an unequal exchange in the relationship, it could be classified as being either under benefited or over benefited. The final attraction is the hard to get, which is entrenched in the western culture. It applied more to women being very selective in their social choices and stern in their romantic relationships. Those who were more selective with a particular-person than just being hard to get were more liked. Also, if it felt as though someone liked an individual and not anyone else, it was known to boost self-esteem (Feenstra, 2011). Unfortunately, western culture does not show anyone how to have a healthy relationship with themselves or anyone else, because if it did, one would know that real self-esteem shines from within, it is the observed spiritual truth that an individual has value and worth at heart. Not because of something that one has or can do for another, not even how someone would regard you (Real, pg. 43). In comparing these six factors of attraction to the earlier meaning of love, you would notice that none of the attraction has anything to do with being selfless or giving without expecting anything back.

Human need for Bonds and Relationships

For humans there is an innate need to belong, and as mentioned in the text, Introduction to Social Psychology, that need to belong has two parts, the need for frequent positive contact with others and the need for enduring connections marked by mutual concern for the welfare of the other (chap. 13. Sec. 1). Humans can with ease make contact and connect with others, but will have trouble disconnecting from them, breaking those social bonds. By having these social bonds apparently allows one to feel happy and satisfied, producing positive emotions. When there are threats to this bond negative emotions can develop such as stress, sadness, and even jealousy. Because of the strong need to belong, when being left out of the group is one cause for feeling discriminated against left with emotions of pain and anger along with sadness too (Feenstra, 2011).

In dealing with the second part of the need to belong, need for enduring connections marked by mutual concern for the welfare of the other this brings about the fear of deprivation. It is said that in the United States the, majority of death rates lean toward the divorce, widowed, and single more than those who are married and that this is not mainly because of someone being married as it is having the feeling of belonging. Loneliness has a major part in this equation also.

Even though a person can be in constant contact with another, there can still be a feeling of loneliness. And within the different cultures loneliness is handled and dealt with differently (Feenstra, 2011). Because the actual nurturing of a person from their conception has been flowed when dealing with the idea of bonding and relationships, “Whether we are too sophisticated to admit it aloud or naïve enough to come right out and say it, many people fall in love with the promise that in surrendering to the beloved, all, of their unhealed places, all, of the old wounds they carry from childhood, will be rectified, or at the least, permanently avoided.” (Real, pg. 172). Which in the end still does not equate to understanding and participating in the real true exchange of love, these bonds become only coping techniques.

Love in Three Types and in Triangular Theory

Remembering from the onset, the meaning of love in its purest form, that of selflessness, giving without expecting anything in return, we come to the crux, the three types of love as describe in the text, which are companionate love: a deep caring for another person, comfort and trust, and enjoyment of shared experiences. Passionate love: similar, to being in love as companionate love, but passionate love involves intense emotional arousal and physical attraction. And compassionate love: is the self-giving, caregiving type of love. Within compassionate love there are two additional categories, communal and exchange relationships. With communal relationships, partners respond to the needs of the other person, not worrying about when or how their contributions will be repaid. Exchange relationships are completely opposite, they are contributions and rewards that are, counted and immediate repayment is expected (Feenstra, 2011). While passionate love is said to be hot in the beginning, it tends to fizzle over time. But, companionate and compassionate love, are similar in that they are long lasting and are better suited to hold a marriage together.

Finally, the Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love operates from three main aspects of love. Intimacy which is the closeness or bonds one has with another, sharing of oneself and one's possessions, the counting on that person in times of need, and receiving emotional support from and providing emotional support to the other person (Feenstra, 2011). There is passion that involves physical attraction and expression of desires and needs. Then decision and commitment, which if it is a short- term commitment, the decision would be to still love the person. If it is a long- term commitment, the decision would be then to stay with the person. From the triangle the three components or theories of love are joined to describe different kinds of love. For instance, Sternberg offers six types of love just like there are six types of attractions. Liking deals with intimacy alone, companionate love blends both intimacy and commitment, empty love is commitment alone, fatuous love joins passion and commitment, infatuation has passion alone, and romantic love displays together intimacy and passion (Feenstra, 2011). “This is still traditional socialization teaching girls to filter their sense of self-worth through connection to others, often at great cost to themselves, at the same time teaching boys to filter their sense of self-worth through their performance. Neither sex, girl nor boy, growing to become a woman and a man, learns nothing about true intimacy.” (Real, pg. 43). I fully agree that these, what Sternberg has described are indeed emotions, but love they are not, they are techniques of further confusion. Because in the end deciding to stay with someone or leave them has nothing to do with love, if you truly love them, then whether with them or not, you will still love them.

One can have and show attraction for another, needing to build and establish bonding relationships, and have several types of feelings for someone, still to use these types of terminology is in fact masking insecurities and side stepping that since western society has be in control, the true meaning of love has been distorted and the whole is, in need of reprogramming.

Reference

Amen, R. (1992). An Afrocentric Guide to a Spiritual Union. Brooklyn, NY: Khamit Publications

Feenstra, J. (2011). Introduction to social psychology. Bridgepoint Education, Inc.

Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap between Men and Women. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster